Delaying Gratification
I have been meditating on the concept of “delayed
gratification” lately and how it might affect one’s ability to “live in the
moment.”
A missed
phone call and my response caused me to look more closely at these two
seemingly unrelated challenges.
Thursday evening I like to watch two
television programs: Gray’s Anatomy and Scandal. I had placed my cell phone and
glasses on my bedside table, had gone to the living room to enjoy them, then
gone to bed. Friday morning when I
picked up my phone, it blinked, telling me I had a message. I checked to see who it was from and saw that
Mustafa had called. Immediately, the urge to call him hit me, although it was
early in the morning and he is not an early riser. That was “live in the
moment,” which was beaten down by “delayed gratification.” If I wait until
after school I will be more settled and have more time to chat. That’s exactly
what I did and it was well worth the wait.
For some reason I couldn’t get the two
ideas to go away, especially after the phone call. As I cleaned up the kitchen, I began to think
of how I have put off “living my life” by waiting for certain conditions to be
met: when I go to college…..when I graduate…..when I get married…..when the
baby comes……when my husband gets out of the Marines……when we get the loan for
the house…..when I get the divorce….when I get through college at age 40….when
I get a permanent job…..when I buy the house….when I get tenure….and now, when
I retire.
Somehow, this lesson of “delaying gratification”
was really taught well. I remember as a teenager, wanting to do things and
wondering when, if ever, I would be “old enough” or just basically
“allowed.” I happened to have parents
who really PARENTED. I am not complaining. I had a great life; perhaps more
sheltered than was necessary, but I would NEVER have crossed my parents. I
remember a particular incident when I was crazy over a boy in high school. He
was three years older than I was and already out of school. I could not ever
imagine myself with anyone else for the rest of my life. My Mom had other ideas and forbid me to see
him. I SO wanted to go behind her back
and still date him and I tried it a couple of times, but I felt so horrible, I
had to quit. I often wonder what would have happened if I had “lived in the
moment” and done what my heart told me was right?
I remember dating my husband the months
before he was sent to Vietnam
I do remember another time I decided to
“live in the moment” and love unconditionally the man I was living with while I
went back to school after my divorce. The only problem was that he was “living
in the moment” too, but with several others and I got a STD out of it!
How do certain people learn to “live in
the moment?” Is it something they are taught by parents who know the basic need
to quiet oneself and go within? Is it a cultural thing? Is it in our primal
memories? I NEVER got the lesson! All I
got was “delay your gratification” and now that I have been on my own, I tend
to do whatever appeals to me, but without any regard to the consequences: take
financial risks; eat unhealthy foods; ignore my need for order; put off being
creative; work 12 hours a day….
I am worried that I may have made my
children “delay gratification.” My son is very solid, grounded, takes NO risks;
my daughter….Heaven help her…I think she is just like me. I may have done them
a disservice.
I want
them to live in the present…and enjoy all that life has to offer…good and bad….
Me??? I need a guru to sit me down, help
me find who I am before there is no time left!
